Exhale

Photo credit: Clarke Sanders/Unsplash

My mind is weighted down. Confusion and smoke with smells of amber and coal, I close my eyes and sit waiting for that whisper, that kiss on the cheek the hope that things will get better.

It’s been too many years, and tears if I were to be honest, trying to fit into the skin you created.

I pulled and tugged and squeezed the hips of my dreams and the folds of my hopes and held my breath.

But what I learned, what I knew all the time was that you made this fit too tight and no one my size could wear this well. I can’t breathe! You didn’t make room for me to breathe, and I keep inhaling, and inhaling...

But what would happen if I exhaled?

To breathe I would have to exhale! To breathe I would be selfish. Thinking of myself and for once making me first. My mind is weighted, altered, muddled, but that’s what happens when you are oxygen deprived!

I exhaled emptying my lungs which cleared the confusion in my mind and the smells of amber and coal were replaced by the sweet smell of lavender and vanilla. I opened my eyes and stood for the first time on my own two feet! No more waiting for that whisper or the kiss on the cheek. I screamed as loud as my lungs could muster and then I did the unthinkable.

I ran, I ran as fast and as far toward that thing, the only thing that could make things better! I ran toward me and leaped into the arms of creation, and motivation and a daring-to-be-me space in my head and heart. 

I learned at that moment that I was enough, equipped with everything I needed and what I didn’t need was someone that only wanted to make me small and only wanted me to live in a box with no windows and no doors; a box that fit under their arm and held in place by a musty arm pit.

I am a spring rushing through a narrow valley. I am alone on a journey that needs no approval. 

I run and flow unafraid of those things that will be swept up in my current and forced to travel with me down an unknown path toward the sea or the ocean or a lake with no agenda except to rest. I yearn for rest; rest without judgment, without glances through narrow eyes punctuated by shrugged shoulders and shaking heads. Rest that makes me free, beautiful, capable of conquering my greatest fears! Capable of vanquishing the enemy within and without.

Just rest, no explanation, no judgement, no caring, and no guilt.

If I just exhaled!