Showing posts with label loss. Show all posts
Showing posts with label loss. Show all posts

Tuesday, May 27, 2025

YOUR WORDS

 



Are your words like fire spit in my face to burn

Or are they like rain to quench my thirst? 

My need for softness to soothe to heal the dry places-

Will your words pierce my flesh boring holes to my core?

Tell me? Use your inside voice to reach my heart…


Are your words ignited by the flame of desire?

Or are they cold like ice making it easy to turn your back

Leaving me Misery’s company.

The name you spit in my face is not the one

Given at birth yet you swear it belongs to me

Because you say so.

Speak to me from your heart…your inside voice.


Your words reflect you, don’t they?

Each syllable reflects your character-

The gut and realness that is you…not me!

Speak to me in you inside voice…you came 

Under false pretenses to be my beloved.

Yet, your words breathed from a dark place

Scorch and burn and leave a scar where my heart once yearned for you.


Use your Inside voice and write your goodbye’s so-longs 

and make your departure as I stay here to erase 

the essay you have written in my blood. 

My need for softness out weighs your presence

Go and never return…For your inside voice is 

Raspy and off -key, rough and dry…maybe

Next time your words will sing sweet music

Written just for me just to say, “I love you.”

Fearlessly approach me even though my ear may not

Be willing to listen and be willing to speak knowing that

Your return is too late! But speak…with your inside voice

Because you simply had…something…to say!


Photo credit: Kristina Flour for Unsplash


Thursday, October 24, 2024

WROTE IT

 




You wrote it, I lived it.

You took the credit,

I felt the pain.


You forgot I was here

But that’s not the worst part.

I forgot too. 


Didn’t remember that I mattered.

Instead, I bought the idea

I was an accessory.


Excessive, tossed and turned out.

About in the world alone when

I thought I had company.


Foolish I know, right?

You wrote it, I lived it,

died by it and refused to

admit the pain.


Photo credit: Louis Galvez for Unsplash


Tuesday, September 24, 2024

Was That My Heart Breaking?


 







I heard the noise, breaking the silence sounding like fireworks.

Was it the dawn crashing the darkness of night as day claimed its place?

Was it the clapping of hands to music that touched and warmed and made my feet move?


No, it was none of those things; it was my heart breaking.

Shattering in a million pieces and sticking to the ground as a reminder that the memory of what has happened cannot be blown away by the wind.


It was my heart, that thing that used to beat on purpose, and on time for you; because of you.

Now I must beg it to beat, and to keep pounding. 

Your absence has made things that used to be reflex, impossible.


I heard the noise it broke the silence like fireworks. 

I'd felt comfortable in the silence assuming I'd see you again.

Silence now only means sorrow. 


Your life was important only to me it seems and there are no more heartbeats, no more songs no more clapping of hands or feet dancing to your beat.

What was that sound, the cracking, the booming, ear-piercing noise?

The noise...that noise...cracking, 

and booming 

like fireworks

was my heart, 

breaking!


Photo credit: Claude Wolff for Unsplash



Sunday, June 30, 2024

BACK HOME



Arrogant irreverence to the facts and

writing the rules with invisible ink.

Set up for the mess up and 

I have no one else to blame.


Sweeping my soul’s floor with

blasphemous strokes of irretrievable

Rhetoric, I blew it, you knew it but 

You let me fall.


You said it was for my own good-

that big knot forming on my head.

Sometimes humility is found 

in the lowest of places and

so, I visit and stay awhile.


My recovery was not what I expected. 

I healed but still bear the scars.

The lessons are etched on the lonely

places in my heart.


Humiliated I sneak back home where

things have changed but you have not.

I’m ready to clean house, make room, 

and begin again.


Photo credit: Snapavelli for Nappy.com

Friday, May 3, 2024

GRIEF BITES

 



Grief bites I thought you knew.

Thought you knew that leaving was not you.

Leaving without saying goodbye,

without explaining why

was unacceptable.


Grief steals taking joy leaving pain.

Leaving pain, tears like rain.

Tears raining, soaking my spirit,

a spirit that once lived for you

Is now dead,


Grief bites like rain.

Wet and then dries.

Disappearing when the sun rises

as if it was never there.


Grief bites like wine.

Leaving behind a bitter taste

and a stain like memories.

Like taunting.


Grief hurts, it leaves us bare I thought you knew.

Thought you’d never go without saying goodbye.

Grief is that last sip of Rosé or

Chardonnay. 


I drained the glass for you; my last testament

that I loved you when you were here and

I Love you more now that you’re gone.

Cheers to the memory of you!



Photo credit: Julia Kadel

Thursday, April 4, 2024

WHISPERS FROM A BROWN GIRL

 




Lord today I will not focus on the hurt nor give space and power to those responsible for that hurt. 

Today, Lord I will be thankful for the deliverance and healing from that hurt. 

The only name that will be allowed residence in my spirit today will be Yours! 

Thank You, Lord!

Amen. 

Photo credit: Natali Hordilik for Unsplash


Thursday, August 17, 2023

The Strong One

 

photo credit: Louis Galvez/Unsplash


I am the strong one.

The one who worries and plans

For everyone else’s care.


The phone rings sounding the alarm

I hear the panic and my heart stands still.

No sacrifice too great.


I am the unofficial manager of lives

All accept my own. There’s no time 

You see for me, the strong one.


I listen, I pray standing in the gap.

I fret, lose sleep all in the name of love.

I am the one necessary element in everyone’s lives.


But I’m not.

Not needed for the joys, and thoughts

The parties and the jobs,

Not a factor until something goes wrong.


Then I am to blame

I’m expected to fix

Even if no one has really asked.


It’s my job any how

Besides, who else will do it?

Who else knows how?


I am the strong one.

The one no one calls just to say hi.

The last one content with being last.


It’s okay, really, I don’t need the concern

I freely show others.

I’m strong and that fact is my comfort.


I live an ugly truth no one can know.

Sometimes I am weak, I want to fold

But the calls don’t come.


There are times when I seek 

The ear, the shoulder that look.

No one wants to give me what I need.


But I’m the strong one

And because I am strong

I keep smiling, staying on my post.


I often wonder as I caress the nuzzle

Run my finger across the blade or

Toy with the safety cap…

…when will the call come and will 

it be

too 

late?




Thursday, August 3, 2023

Too Late











Photo credit: Gabriela Gutierrez for Unsplash


It seems so easy to withdraw from relationships, life, moments. So easy to pretend that memories weren’t made in the name of love and friendship. It’s so easy, but it shouldn’t be.


It shouldn’t be okay to show caring attention to the details of someone’s life when they’re lying on sick beds and the family has been summoned. Then we kick our interest in gear. We want to know the details of why and how. We want to find out who was to blame for the current state of affairs.  It shouldn’t be okay, but it is.


Funeral homes and churches packed as we gaze at the stiff over-dressed bodies, that have been vacated by the spirits of our “loved ones.” We’re so eager to rush to the mic and speak of our fondest memories, list the things shared and impact made. This is not the time, or the place to prove our love...but too often it is and ... it’s too late.


I have attended my fair share of funerals in my lifetime, and I’m always irritated at the parade of people rushing down the side aisles of the church and waiting in line with others who proclaim to have known the deceased the best.  One by one, the anxious witnesses approach the podium, grip the mic with fervent determination and begin to illuminate on things long past.  The speaker is instructed to limit their reflections to no more than two minutes, yet even as they nod their understanding those of us in the pews know too well that the two-minute instruction will soon be forgotten. I can’t help but wonder, why, as I sit, well aware that the bench beneath me was made without any forethought that it would be inadequate to keep me and the others comfortable during times like these.


Two minutes have passed, my butt is aching and still, the speeches of love and respect are at a fever pitch; one trying to out due the previous. I wonder if such effort was made to make sure the dearly departed heard and received the flowers while they were alive and healthy enough to hear, smell and receive them. I can only imagine what it would have felt like to have been held in such high regard while they were still breathing. Hmmm...


I sat at the bedsides of both of my parents during their final days and I found myself doing an internal inventory. Did I make them proud did I disappoint them? Did I say all the things that needed to be said? I loved my parents beyond what made sense, but I wondered if I really let them know. I’m sure they knew when I was upset with them, but I wonder if they knew that most times, I was happy and honored to be their daughter. Did they know that I felt so unworthy and that I was certain that I had let them down? I knew their hopes were so high and so were their expectations...did they forgive me before they took their last breaths?


If I could do it all again. Funny, I think that’s what we are all trying to do when we stand at that podium at that homegoing service. We’re pleading for that second chance, that do-over. We need to publicly declare what we failed to declare during those private moments when there was no one else watching. Our shame and regret prompt us to stand and work our way down the side aisle and stand patiently waiting our turn to say the things that will never be heard by the only one who needed to hear it. It’s too late.


What would happen if our family and friends meant more to us than our egos and fragile feelings? What if we entered into relationships without an option to leave? Perhaps we would be required to adjust and re-evaluate, but we were committed to not cast each other off like last night’s garbage, as if there were other people standing in line to move into those places in our hearts that were already occupied. Evicting people from our hearts and our lives for no apparent reason to the evicted, makes us nothing but slum lords because what we claim to be protecting is nothing, but a wasteland filled with our own garbage that made love and life and peace impossible. We blame everyone else and refuse to take ownership. We convince ourselves that we are the prize even in our broken, messed up, prideful state and it should be a privilege to be in our lives, right? We need to believe that; we have to believe that because we have to be right anything else would destroy us...right? 


It’s too late to change the past, too late to speak words of love and appreciation to the dead but there are others who we’ve turned away from, stopped speaking to, stopped showing love to and others we’ve forgotten that if they had not been in our lives even for a little while, things could have been a lot worse.  We need to say, I’m sorry. We need to say, forgive me and we need to be honest that it’s nobody’s fault but our own, before it’s too late.


Monday, July 31, 2023

Parting Words

 

Heaven let herself into the small quiet house. It had been a few weeks since she’d been by to see her grandfather. This had always been a place of refuge for her growing up and even now under these circumstances, Heaven felt safe and at peace. 

Memories of her childhood flooded her as she slowly walked around the cluttered room. This was the place where her grandfather spent most of his time, reading, watching television, and writing in the old worn-out black leather notebook that never seemed to leave his sight. Even on the occasions when he would travel, the notebook would be tucked under his arm or secured in his backpack and slung over his shoulder. 

Heaven’s grandmother Elva had raised her when her parents had abandoned her shortly after her fifth birthday. She was a beautiful woman with skin the color of caramel and thick unruly curls that bounced on her shoulders whenever she moved. The men around the neighborhood loved her but she paid them no mind. That is until Jasper Collins moved into the vacant house around the corner. He was tall and thin with light green eyes and a wide toothy smile. 

Jasper had two sons and a daughter that lived on the other side of the country. He didn’t hear from them often and Heaven always wondered why. She could never understand why a man who was so kind and loving very seldom heard from his children. 

Heaven’s grandmother and Jasper married a year after they met and the three of them made Jasper’s small house home. It was cramped and Heaven was certain that it was a tough adjustment for the older man to get used to having a rambunctious child running around and turning his world upside down, but he loved Elva and he loved her too. 

Heaven lowered her small frame into the worn recliner and closed her eyes. This was the place where her grandfather spent countless hours with his notebook writing, while tuning the rest of the world out. It was during these moments that Heaven and her grandmother left him alone. He was a man who didn’t ask for much and so these moments were the least they could give him. This was the same chair where he would tell her stories of kings and queens and princesses, who were always named Heaven. 

Jasper Collins had been her hero and she loved watching her grandmother and the man love and care for each other. Heaven had no blood ties to the man, but he treated her as if she did. She belonged to him, just like his other children who Heaven had seen only a handful of times. They called only on holidays and to ask for money. The three would have to find another ATM, Heaven thought bitterly. 

Except for the last three weeks while she was away, Heaven would stop in a few times a week to spend time with him and to make sure that his errands were run, and his cabinets and refrigerator was full. The call from the hospital the night he died broke her heart, and she couldn’t help but feel that she had failed him somehow. 

“I’m so sorry, grandpa,” she whispered to herself while scrolling through his phone book for his children’s phone numbers. One by one, she called them, and each call sent her to voicemail. It reminded her that she wasn’t family; they’d each told her so in times past but the fact that they would not answer now, seemed to seal that fact in stone. 

Heaven glanced across the room to the dining room table. There sat the black notebook. She could only imagine what her grandfather must have felt not being able to grab it and take it with him as he was rushed out of the house to the hospital. It seemed to beckon for her to come and hesitantly, she stood and took the few steps toward it. 

She picked it up and cradled the soft leather to her chest. Suddenly the tears fell and the memories of a man who loved her for no reason and without obligation nearly knocked her down. She loved him too and she missed him. She was angry that his children had given up on him only seeing his value in a check. Even after her grandmother had died a few years ago, Jasper still loved her. 

“I love you grandpa; you’re with your girl now, but my heart still hurts!” She moaned the words while the tears made it hard to breathe. Then taking a seat at the table, Heaven opened the book. A small, yellowed business card was clipped to the inside cover. Written across the top in red ink in Jasper’s handwriting were three words, “Call if something happens.” Wiping the tears from her eyes and taking a deep breath she closed the book without going further and, she dialed the number. 

The next day, Heaven made the trip downtown. She wondered why a man of such meager means would need an attorney, especially this attorney with offices in the old and prestigious building. She felt grossly under dressed as she pulled the heavy glass doors open and walked inside. The air was heavy and old, but the dated décor was still beautiful and elegant and the woman behind the desk seemed to have been here as long as the building itself. 

“May I help you?” The woman followed the trail down her nose then toward Heaven waiting for an answer. 

“Yes, I have an appointment to see Mr. Hiram Schwartz.” 

The woman nodded knowingly and without looking at an appointment book or computer screen she picked up the phone and pressed a button. 

“Have a seat, Mr. Schwartz will be with you in just a moment.” 

Seconds later an elderly white-haired man appeared in the lobby. As ridged and suspicious as the receptionist seemed, the man, Hiram Schwartz, was quite the opposite. He smiled sadly with his eyes and gently called her name and waited for her to look up. 

“Heaven?” 

“Yes,” she stood as he approached her with his hand outstretched. She shook his hand and forced a slight smile in return. 

“Please follow me.” 

Grabbing her things, she followed the man down the long hallway to a surprisingly small office. The office was filled with wall-to-wall books. Other than the size it looked just as she imagined a lawyer’s office would look. 

“Please have a seat. I hope you brought the notebook.” 

Heaven wondered why it was so important that she bring it. It was the only thing she had of value left from Jasper and she would fight, if necessary, to keep it. 

“Yes Sir, I did,” pulling it from her bag. 

“May I?” He saw the fear and the fight in her eyes as she renewed her grip on the notebook. “I’ll give it back, I assure you.” 

Heaven handed the man the book and watched him slowly thumb through each page. Every few pages he would stop and smile or chuckle. 

“Jasper old friend, you were one of a kind.” He said to himself. 

Heaven nodded at the words. She’d watched him so many times at the dining room table or in his recliner, lost in thought and scribbling in the notebook as if his life depended on it. 

“Not to be rude, but why am I here? You must know that I was only related to Jasper by marriage.” 

“Oh, but you were much more than that to Jasper. He loved you like you were his own blood; maybe more.” 

“I loved him too. He was so good to me, the only grandfather I knew, the only father for that matter.” 

“Well to answer your question, Jasper left certain instructions in case the time came.” 

“You mean his death?” Heaven asked. 

“Yes, I was informed shortly after you were that he had passed away.” Hiram watched the young woman wipe away a few tears. 

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to cry.” 

“Nonsense,” Hiram interrupted. “I can tell he meant a lot to you. He always spoke of you so fondly.” 

“Were you and my grandfather, I mean Jasper friends?” 

“Yes, yes indeed. We’ve been friends since college and I must be honest, I’m going to miss him deeply.” 

“I’ve tried calling Jasper Jr., Elias and Devan but all I get is their voicemails and they haven’t returned my calls.” 

“Not to worry, I’ll handle them.” Then Hiram pulled a white envelope from his desk and handed it to Heaven. Puzzled she took it. It had her name written across it in her grandfather’s handwriting which made her gasp. 

“I know you’re wondering why I insisted you bring the notebook.” 

“Yes.” 

“Your grandfather was quite the prolific writer, and this notebook is filled with amazing stories. Before Jasper died, I convinced him to have the stories published and he agreed.” 

Heaven looked down at the notebook and for the first time in her life, she began turning the pages. Hiram smiled as he watched the amazement in her eyes as she explored the pages. 

“These are the stories he used to tell me when I was a child!” 

Hiram nodded, yes. 

“He wanted to leave something to the little girl who had meant so much to him. The girl who had grown up to be a remarkable young woman who always cared for him and never ever asked for anything in return.” 

Heaven broke down as she continued to thumb through the pages remembering the nights on his lap cuddled close this chest. She could hear his heartbeat speed up as he told her the most amazing stories. It made perfect sense now why he never read them from a book. 

“I think you should open the envelope now.” 

Heaven slowly closed the notebook, still overcome with what she had seen inside and opened the envelope. It was a check. 

“I-I don’t understand. This is a check for twenty-thousand dollars!” 

“I found a publisher who wants to publish the stories in your grandfather’s notebook. The twenty-thousand dollars is the advance for the book rights. Jasper wanted you to have it and all the royalties from the book when it’s published.” 

“I don’t know what to say,” she said tearfully. “I’m not his blood. Won’t his children fight this?” 

“It’s all legal; Jasper made sure of it. There’s nothing anyone can do to change it.” 

“Twenty-thousand dollars. He didn’t have to do this for me. I’d give it back right now if it would bring him back.” 

“He knew you would say that.” Hiram laughed. 

“He did?” 

“Yes, you two were kindred spirits, and it didn’t matter if you weren’t related by blood. You two were related by the heart and that’s what really matters in the end.” 

Hiram also gave her three envelopes with checks for a thousand dollars each addressed to Jasper’s adult children and even after Heaven left several more detailed messages about their father’s death, it was three days before Jasper, Jr., Elias, and Devan returned her calls. She assumed that their calls were prompted more by the meager amount of their father’s final gift than any concern for a man who had died alone without a chance to make amends or to say goodbye to them. 

Heaven had no idea what had gone wrong between Jasper and his family, and she never would. Now her life consisted of fulfilling her grandfather’s wishes of sharing his stories with the world. Stories that had filled her childhood with love and laughter and adventure. Stories of kings and queens and princesses named Heaven. It wasn’t about DNA or blood, but it was everything about the willingness to allow a little orphan girl a place in an old man’s heart that had been created and reserved for her since the beginning of time. 

The End.